she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
