Someone shit on the floor
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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