I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
