I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
