I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize