Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
