I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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