Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
