I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
be right there i have to get my cape
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
