dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
