Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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