I heard we made out
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
