you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
