GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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