you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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