as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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