im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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