Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
