Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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