im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
