Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
