There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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