my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
