beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
