you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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