this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
