I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
