When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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