I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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