so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
