Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
