How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
