I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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