I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
