I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
