your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
