this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
