What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
