He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
