Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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