Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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