So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
