Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
