i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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