Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
