gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
