dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
