My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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