I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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