If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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