I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
