i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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