I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
