You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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