So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
