i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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