We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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