remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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