I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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