i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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